Planes, Trains, & Automobiles

(with apologies to John Candy and Steve Martin)

Our 8 Day Journey from Beijing to Moscow

June 7, 2004

Introduction - Secrets to a Happy Marriage

While certainly no expert on marriage, having been married for 22 years I do know a thing or two about the subject (or maybe Catherine is just a glutton for punishment.) In any event, I think that a husband must employ two key tactics for a happy marriage. The first - keep repeating to your wife those three little words that mean so much in a relationship. Three simple words that convey so much meaning and will make your life so much easier. Those three words are, of course, "you da boss!" The second rule to a happy marriage, which follows naturally from rule #1, is "get even." Don't just take lying down those little slights and frustrations that build-up over time that otherwise poison a relationship. Of course the trick to getting even is that you can't stop following rule #1.

What does this have to do with our journey from Shanghai to St. Petersburg? Well, in India we took a one week train trip in the company of Catherine's mother. I behaved like any loving, dutiful son-in-law and took this punishment like a man. So I followed Rule #2 to a Happy Marriage and invited loads of my relatives for this portion of the trip. I just had to contend with one mother-in-law. Catherine had to travel thousands of miles across Asia with a father-in-law, one brother-in-law and his wife (the only sane one in the group), one sister-in-law, and a cousin to the father-in-law.

Day 1 - Beijing China

Shanghai and Beijing are as different as, say, New York and Washington D.C. Whereas Shanghai is free-wheeling and fun-loving, Beijing is up-tight and grouchy. In Shanghai the taxi drivers were always fair and often helpful. Half of the drivers we used in Beijing tried to rip us off. In Shanghai I could film anywhere I wanted without anyone objecting. In Beijing, as soon as I set-up my tripod in Tiananmen Square I had a Chinese soldier in my face politely, yet firmly, saying to get lost. What's funny about this is that hundreds of tourists were running around Tiananmen with small video cameras at that very moment filming with no problem, but my larger camera and tripod sent the Chinese government into a tizzy. I guess size does matter in Beijing.

After exploring the Forbidden City in the morning we went out to the Great Wall in the afternoon. James and I had visited Beijing and the Great Wall in 1997, but for this visit we were fortunate to see a different, less crowded, more picturesque section of the Wall. Since the day was hot, our guide warned us to buy drinks at the shops at the base of the wall since the prices would escalate as one walks further along the Wall and away from civilization - 10 yuan at the starting point and 80 yuan at the furthest point. I was looking forward to seeing supply and demand in action and asked for the price of a can of beer from each of the hawkers as we walked along the top of the Wall. Surprisingly, they all asked 10 yuan for a can of beer no matter how far from the base we had walked, perhaps because there weren't many potential customers around. To get a good picture of the Wall we walked as far as we could - about a kilometer from the start and then up a very steep section of 474 steps to a lookout tower. One enterprising hawker noticed that I was telling all the other sellers of cold drinks that I might buy one on the way back. She picked-up her cold drinks into a backpack and walked with us, all the way to the top of the 474 steps where I relented and bought a cold one. It still only cost 10 yuan. I tried to buy her a beer for her to consume (only fair since she had made the climb) but she refused.

Day 2 - Ulan Bator Mongolia

Ulan Bator has to be one of the most depressing cities in the world. The architecture is all Soviet era concrete and the day we visited was dull and gray with the wind blowing a fine layer of dirt all around the city. I had visited UB once before (also on that 1997 trip) when the city was emerging from its recent history of Soviet domination and had found it to be bustling and hopeful, even in the dead of winter. Now things seemed more run-down although there were a lot of signs and billboards promoting cellular services and other commercial activity, but cell phones do not a city make. Our hotel that was brand new and packed with people doing business in 1997 was vacant and depressing.

Our highlight of the day was visiting the Winter Palace of the Bogd Khan, the last of a line of Mongolian leaders that combined secular and religious (Buddhist) leadership. Built in 1913, the Palace was described perfectly by the guidebook as appearing as if someone simply walked away from it a few years ago and hadn't maintained it since. Fortunately, while we were there we witnessed people starting restoration of some of the intricate painting and detail work of the building. The portion that was restored was breathtaking. It was also interesting to see the melting pot of cultural influences including Taoist, Hindu and Buddhist in the architecture and interior art.

Day 3 - Lake Baikal Russia

Our flight from Ulan Bator to Irkutsk was in a Soviet-manufactured propeller-driven plane that had seen better days. The smell inside can be best described by imagining the smell of frat house on the Saturday morning after the big party. After the short flight we experienced our first joys with Russian immigration. Russia gives India a good run for the their money for the title of worst immigration process on our trip. But unlike the Indians, the Russian officials realize that their multiple forms and multiple steps are ridiculous and at least try to expedite you through the process.

From Irkutsk we traveled to nearby Lake Baikal and were not disappointed by this natural wonder of the world. Because of its depth (a mile at deepest) Baikal holds about one fifth of the world's fresh water and more than all of the North American Great Lakes combined. Because of its remoteness, it's waters are some of the purest and cleanest in the world. We stayed at the relatively new Hotel Terema, a beautiful log building with very helpful service.

Day 4 - Lake Baikal Russia

Today we experienced some of the best Russia has to offer. We hired a boat to take us along the lake shore and see more of the natural beauty of the area, enjoying a snack of Russian bliny (thin pancakes) and sour cream to go along with the smoked fish that we bought at the dock. After returning to the Hotel, we tried out the "banya" or Russian sauna in which one repeats cycles of sweating in a sauna and freezing by plunging into a cold water pool. I was especially proud of our kids who took to this masochistic, but refreshing, activity with relish. Must be their Russian genes expressing themselves. Dinner was a less than pleasant event that showed the other side of the Russian experience. A solid three hours after placing our order, we finally received our food. For those of you with kids, you will be able to imagine the setting by thinking of those times in Sponge-Bob Square Pants where they pass time with a title card and monotone narration that flatly states "Three Hours Later." For those of you that don't know Sponge-Bob Square Pants - never mind, you won't get it.

Day 5 - Trans Siberian Railroad

After touring around the various sights of Irkutsk we boarded the number 9 train of the Trans Siberian Railroad bound for Moscow. Each train car is ruled by a cabin attendant or "provodnitsa" which translates from Russian as "Lord Master of the Train Car Not to Be Trifled With." We were fortunate to be in the train car where each of the cabins had two berths per cabin rather than four. Each carriage holds nine cabins and we were joined in the other cabins by a pleasant British couple, a quiet Russian man and a vacationing provodnitsa (I think related to our carriage's provodnitsa) and her three-year-old son. The poor kid was largely ignored by his mother and managed to terrorize everyone in the train car. It reminded me of the old "Twilight Zone" episode where a town is terrorized by a child with supernatural powers. In the episode, the kid gets everything it wants because no one wants to upset the child and suffer from its powers. In our case the power was exercised by the provodnitsa mother with whom we took great pains not to offend so that we could enjoy life's simple pleasures like heading for the loo at the end of the carriage and finding that it was not locked.

Day 6 - Trans Siberian Railroad

We were adopted today by a couple of Russian children, Roma (age 13) and Zinny (age 8), who were traveling by themselves to see their grandparents in Nizhny Novgorod. They were extremely well behaved and polite and spoke a few words of English. Despite the language barriers they managed to enjoy their time with our children and they joined us for a couple of meals.

It is said that Einstein developed his special theory of relativity when he was a clerk in a Swiss patent office at the start of the 20th century. His theory postulates that time slows down as one's speed increases. I say this is all hogwash. Einstein developed this theory when riding the Trans Siberian and noting that with the speed of the train - the duration of the trip stretches FOREVER.

Day 7 - Trans Siberian Railroad

Cuisine on the Trans Siberian is an interesting mix of:

1) What you buy at the grocery store before you board. Funny thing but the fruit that we bought here lasted the entire train ride but the candy, cookies, and sweets were consumed by the locust cloud of our children and various Russian waifs within 24 hours.

2) What you buy at the various train stations from people who come up to the cars during the 15 minute stops. Everything from bread to fresh vegetables to "meat pie surprise" to ice cream is available.

3) What you trade for from your fellow passengers after you get tired of 6 meals from the same stick of salami that you bought from #1.

4) What you can obtain in the dining car. Actually the dining car was a very pleasant surprise. The food was cheap and nothing fancy, but after you got tired of relying on options 1, 2, and 3 it's not bad. The staff was friendly and very understanding and patient with the language barrier. The night that Catherine and I opted for dinner in the dining car all the tables were full, but a guy at the staff table got up and let us sit down in his space so we could order. We returned the gesture by buying him a shot of vodka and he was very happy. Actually, shots of vodka seem to be a combination local currency and social obligation. When my brother Don tried the dining car, he was approached and obligated to swap shots of vodka with a Russian soldier and his friend. The soldier's uniform was covered with medals and, unless they are for drinking vodka, the guy has probably left a lot of dead Chechnyans in his wake. Fortunately, Don managed a graceful exit after a few rounds rather than trying to go toe-to-toe with these guys. The poor soldier was seen staggering back to his carriage later that night clearly three sheets to the wind.

Day 8 - Moscow

After four days and three nights on a train with shared bathrooms and without showers the conditions start to resemble a camping trip. Add to that four kids whose top concerns do not include hygiene and you get the picture. I did find one thing on this train trip that will help out on future camping trips - vodka makes great mouthwash! Just swirl it around your mouth and gargle for a few minutes with a decent brand and your mouth feels fresh. Better yet, eat a Mentos before you consume the vodka and your mouth feels minty too.

Late in the afternoon we arrived in Moscow with the following priorities:

1) A porcelain toilet seat that isn't moving

2) A hot shower with soap

3) A thick steak and a salad.