Unbeknownst to my family, we actually had round trip tickets from Seattle to Santiago and return. The rest of the trip is a series of one way tickets to our various destinations. I figured we should have a safety line to pull and return home in case the peasants revolted at the start. But that shouldn’t be necessary should it? I should be able to apply firm yet gentle parenting skills to ensure that the children do their chores, apply themselves to their schoolwork and wander cheerfully and endlessly through a foreign country while Catherine and I seamlessly balance our various priorities. In reality, of course, I’ve given up discipline, buy the kids what they want to keep them happy, and do what Catherine tells me to do. Call me the Neville Chamberlain of this family, but that would make Catherine….oh never mind.

The better historical analogy in the kids’ minds for my action of ripping up the return tickets would be Hernando Cortez. After leading a party of Spanish conquistadors to the shores of the Aztec Empire, he burned his ships, thereby ensuring they could not mutiny and return home. For them to survive, there was only one direction – forward. And so on to Cape Town we went after some interesting moments getting through security at the Santiago airport. The screeners objected to our bringing onboard a stone statue of a bird that we had purchased in Santiago. They believed it could constitute a weapon given its size and weight. Never mind that much larger (and sharper) objects were readily for sale just beyond the security checkpoint. Actually the security personnel must be mind readers. The kids were imagining beaning me with the statue mid-flight since I had just told them about the now useless return tickets to Seattle.

Now let me give you a primer on how to torture Ed. First, put him and his family on a 7 hour red-eye flight. Then, have him land first thing in the morning with that family after having had no sleep. But we’re just getting started so add 5 hours worth of jet lag. Now put him and that family in a rental van. Automatic transmission would be too easy so let’s make it a MANUAL transmission! Better yet let’s make it a manual transmission that he has to lean over and reach the floor in order to operate it so he has a choice – either shift gears or see where he is going but not both. Now make him shift the manual transmission with his LEFT hand. Enough? Heck no, let’s make sure the air conditioner doesn’t operate so he works up a good sweat. Now give his wife driving directions that are highly anecdotal. And now (here’s the best part) let’s make him drive in a former British colony on the LEFT SIDE OF THE ROAD! For the coup de grace, let's put a security button on the key fob that you must push in order to start the vehicle and DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT IT!!! That way when he stops the engine, he can't restart it and he has to push the vehicle down the road with his son to try and push-start it. YEE-HAWW!! Alas, you now have the picture of our first morning in Cape Town. Fortunately, our four children were the best behaved that they have been on our trip otherwise I would be writing this from prison.